You Deserve Fame! Fortune! Worship! Chicks (and Dudes!) UNLIMITED POWER!!!

Transform Your Old, Broken Down Audience
into a Shiny, New, Insanely Dedicated Following!

IT’S TIME TO…

Why YOU Want Your Cult Pimped…

You’re never going to get your own compound in a third world country, surrounded by throngs of loyalists who do your bidding as you sit in your office making pronouncements from on high over the loudspeakers by playing it safe!

When you’re trying to build a cult, the claims of spiritual rewards and life everlasting and all that stuff is just NOT enough to bring in the high-paying, super-subservient followers you need to reach the upper echelons of cult leadership…

No. NO, NO, NO!

You need an appealing presence, kick-ass uniforms and all the visual trappings that will bring asses to the seats and make them whip out their check books!

YOU WANT YOUR CULT PIMPED!

GET IN AND GET SOME

Why THEY Need Your Cult Pimped…

With a fully pimped cult, your followers will gladly gulp down anything you put out there – from your style to your message to any fruit-flavored beverage you want to serve them and then THEY’LL THANK YOU FOR IT!

Having a gorgeous and consistent brand will help propel your cult from something you and your weird friends do in your basement all the way to a soul-saving machine that’s capable of filling stadiums or weird pseudo-cities in South America. Your followers will drink it up!

They don’t just want it – they have to have it!

A properly pimped cult makes for happier, more willing followers. They don’t have to think as much and that means they have more time and energy to buy from and PROSELYTIZE FOR YOU!

THEY NEED YOUR CULT PIMPED!

PASS THE CUP

What You Get When
Your Cult Gets PIMPED…

FRESH CULT STYLING

At Pimp My Cult, we believe that every cult deserves to stand out in the crowd, whether you’re recruiting followers or trying to impress your rivals. Our dedicated cult stylists will work tirelessly to transform your mundane cult into a soul-saving phenomenon that will make even the most jaded would-be follower do a double take.

HARD-SELLING CULT MESSAGING

With our mind control makeovers, we’ll give you the power of mesmerizing charisma and hypnotic influence. Get a voice that can command the masses! We’ll work our magic to ensure your disciples are hanging onto your every word. Just imagine the look on their faces when they realize they can’t resist your persuasive charm.

YOUR JOB as CULT LEADER… SO MUCH EASIER

With a properly pimped cult, your job becomes easier. No longer do you need to convince people to join your cosmic cause. Your cult will speak for itself and become a magnet to all those looking for the salvation only you can offer! More eyeballs, more members and more willingness for them to do exactly as you say!

That is the POWER of Pimping…

PIMP YOUR CULT TODAY!

PIMPIN AIN‘T HARD... IT JUST AIN’T EASY

“My followers couldn‘t stop talking about my new look after Pimp My Cult worked their miracles. I guess you could say I’m a cult leader with killer brand now!”

Jim J
Cult Leader

“Before Pimp My Cult, I was just another failed messiah. But now, thanks to their branding magic, my cult is booming, and my fashion choices are divine!”

Charles M
Cult Leader

“Pimp My Cult blew my Nikes and my socks off. Their branding made is SO much easier for me to collect followers and convert them into extensions of my will. For a small sacrifice of cash, I wound up with an army of followers willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING! Thanks, PMC!”

Marshall A
Cult Leader

“I had so much trouble getting people to believe in the space monsters and sea creatures and all that stuff. I mean – would YOU believe that? Well – after working with Pimp My Cult, I was able to convince even major movie stars to not only buy in – but to promote – my nonsense. Absolutely incredible! Literally!”

L. Ron H.
Cult Leader

“You think this is funny?

You better not let me catch you in the streets.”

Xzibit
Copyright Case Claimant

STILL NOT SOLD?

A (reasonably) recent survey found that
only 18% of US millennials* cared about brands.

Meaning 82% of your current or potential customers have no brand commitment at all.

That tells you a couple of things…

You need to keep the people who ARE committed to you,
and you need a way to sway that remaining 82 percent.

That’s not just branding.

That’s building a cult
and that’s where I come in.

Gathering and pleasing eyeballs. Turning eyeballs into adherents. Adherents into lifelong proselytizers of YOUR purpose.

It’s not smoke and mirrors. It’s not magic. It’s 30 years of pimping businesses large and small. It’s deeper than a coat of paint, doper than a shag carpet and more fun than a full-sized pool table in the back of your Astrovan

Ready?

GET THE PIMP HAND

*Keep in mind… millennials are currently 27-42 years old. That’s a massive swathe of the buying and business public. Like them or not – they’re likely YOUR audience.

“Yo, Dawg. I heard you had a cult,
so I Put More Cult In Your Cult
so You Can Have More Cult!”

Uncle Jimbo™
Cult Pimper Since 1971

If you haven’t figured it out, I build brands. Even real ones. Maybe yours.

Disclaimer: Pimp My Cult & James PM Gaffney assume no responsibility for any legal consequences, questionable choices, or cosmic repercussions resulting from the use of our products. Enjoy responsibly, and remember, the line between cult leader and successful businessman can be quite thin!

To Viacom, Xzibit or anyone else considering suing me – don’t. This is a parody. I have a long and well-established record of creating parody websites and twisting the nipples of corporations. I’ll just turn your complaints, threats and subpoenas into a long stream of content that’ll make you look silly and waste more of your time and money than it will mine. Relax. I’m not causing you harm. I’m just irritating. Leave it at that.